Saturday, March 27, 2010

Telling it how it is...

I've been doing a lot of thinking and processing lately. I decided to post about some of it so that you would know how to be praying.

For those who don't know, we no longer have our house for sale. We took the For Sale By Owner sign down just over a week ago. I told Jason one night that I just felt like we needed to take the sign down. He gave me a funny look and then proceeded to tell me that he had been feeling the same thing.

We got word in January that our application with Family Life had expired...all applications are only good for 2 years. They would really like for us to reapply but we aren't sure at this point what God is wanting us to do. At this point, we feel like He is keeping us here, at least for now. We would love to work with Family Life and totally believe in what they are doing and their ministry. We have really come to love these people and have one couple that we have connected with and have had to our home. It's been a joy getting to know this couple!

We have also been in the process of working with our mortgage company to get our mortgage adjusted since our income has taken a big cut since purchasing this house. They have told us it could be a month before we hear anything. This would be a huge help financially and a start to getting back on track with a monthly budget that we so desire to live on.

What is it that God is wanting us to do? Are we staying here in Whatcom County? Are we staying here in this house? Is this economy ever going to get better so that we can even consider selling our home and go into full time ministry? Does God want us in full time ministry?

I've also been taking a look at my life personally. Where am I with God? Am I keeping him in the center of my life? Am I the mom that I've always wanted to be? Am I the wife that I need to be for my husband? What kind of a friend am I? It's so easy to let people believe one thing when really, I know what's going on inside.

Normally, when someone asks me how things are going or the usual "how are you?" I'm answer GOOD with no hesitation. Lately, there's been hesitation. Things aren't good. I mean we are healthy and our marriage is great and the kids...well, they are kids. It's hard living day to day and not be thinking about the struggles. My new answer to people is "things are okay." I don't want to think that things are bad but they aren't where we would like them to be.

I really need to start prioritizing my life better. I need to not be so focused on Facebook and being so concerned about what's going on with everyone else during the day. I need to not be so worried about what's on tv that I might be missing during the day. I mean really, how many Baby Stories does one need to watch. They aren't important...I have three stories of my own. And, What Not To Wear. It's not like I'm doing much shopping right now any way so why worry about what's fashionable and what's not. Now, I wouldn't mind Stacie and Clinton coming and cleaning out my closet but I don't need to watch episodes of them surprising other people. And then there's Say Yes To The Dress. Come many people does one bride need with her to purchase a wedding dress and some of those bridal consultants scare me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not just sitting on the couch watching show after show. I am doing things around the house while these shows are on but I could just turn that tv off and get more done. However, there are the days when I have extra kiddos here and I am just sitting on the couch with the babies. These days, I give myself permission to have the tv on.

Lately, I've been feeling really guilty about not being the mom I need to be for my kids. I get myself so busy with other things and I'm not focusing on them like I need to. I make sure their daily needs are met but I know there are times that I haven't been readily available for them.

They are growing up so fast and the scary thing...Brenna starts Middle School next year. I can't believe how fast the years have gone with her. She is 11 in nine days. She is becoming such a beautiful girl and we have been able to have some great chats lately but I want more of those! Alyssa is at an awkward stage. You know, that stage between little girl and big girl. She's not sure that she wants to put her baby doll and all of the accessories away but yet she never plays with it. She bounces back and forth between playing with the younger kids and just wanting to hang out with her older sister. Ethan needs his mommy and all the snuggle time he can get. He informed me tonight that he didn't get his snuggles today. So, I snuggled him a little before tucking him in.

Sometimes I feel like I'm failing my husband as his wife. I will be the first to admit that there are days when he gets home from work and I haven't even started dinner. Of course, he's never offended by that and just jumps in to help but why should he have to do that? He's the one that's been at work all day. I've been trying hard to have meals in the freezer so that I can just go and pull them out in the morning. Still, there are days when I don't make it to the freezer. I've really been trying hard lately to make sure the house is picked up when he gets home and that I have at least put thought into dinner. I want to improve in this area.

And then there are my friends. Have I been the friend to you that you need me to be? I love to help people and to make sure all is well in the world around me. I hope that you feel comfortable enough letting me know if there is something in my life that I need to change or work on.

My spiritual life needs a lot of work. I had started to read through the Bible and wanted to do it in a year. I started in October and was doing fine until the holidays hit. At that point, I fell so far behind. So, Jason and I talked and decided that I just needed to start over with January 1st. So, I did. I did great keeping up for quite awhile and am suddenly 3 weeks behind. It's amazing how missing a day here and a day there quickly adds up. So, now my goal is to get caught up. This means reading three days each day. This doesn't necessarily happen every day but I always try to get at least one day in.

I also need to work on my prayer time. I would love to hear from you moms as to when you get your quiet time with God. I struggle with this. I have tried getting up early, before the kids, but it never fails that Ethan hears me up and comes out, ready to go for the day. I could come up with excuses for all times of the day, Honestly, I think this is the area of my life that I desire the most to improve. Don't get me wrong...I pray and believe that God hears us no matter where we are. But, I'm desiring that absolute quiet time to just be alone with God.

I feel like I have so much to work on and realize that I really just need to focus on one or two things for now. I love that my husband is so amazing and loves me for who I am. He is such an encouragement and doesn't like it when I see myself failing at life. He is always telling me that I'm not failing and that this isn't the way things are going to be forever. I love those of you who have been such an encouragement to me when you know that things are tough.

So, now it's on to bed and to start tomorrow a whole new day and focusing on how to make each moment better. I'm looking forward to going to church and worshiping our amazing God!


Amy said...

Hi Tanya,
Bet you didn't even know I peeked at your blog, did ya?? I am now an official follower so you know how much of a super fan I am of you. Just wanted to tell you that what you do is IMPORTANT. Jim and I tell each other every night before we go to bed how lucky we are that God plopped you into our lives to take care of Collin. It is a rare thing in life to find someone who you know will love your little one with their whole self while you can't be with them, and we have that trust in you. While I am busy working with other kiddos and changing their lives, I know that you are changing Collin's life for the better, too. I do not worry about him one little bit--what a blessing. So no matter what trials you're going through, know that Jim and I feel blessed, grateful, and so lucky to know you. I don't know how you juggle all you juggle with such grace and efficiency!

the story of my life... said...

I love how honest you are..This post hits really close to home. There are days I Know I can do better in being a wife, mom and friend...You have planted the seed in me to refocus on our heavenly father..

Tanya said...

As hard as I know this must of been for you to share... thank you. It was a blessing and an inspiration to read, sister. You are such an amazing woman, and you know that I think you are too hard on yourself! Your husband and kids are blessed to have a mom and wife that is following after God. I'll be praying for you!!!

Molly Gustafson said...

SUCH an inspiration and encouragement to read this, Tanya. Don't we all feel like failures sometimes and just need to vent on someone? I can relate sooo much to all you said and will be praying for you as you examine ways you need to change and that more people will fill you up and remind you of all the things you are doing RIGHT!!! You are a blessing to me, friend, and such an encouragement.

Janice said...

A wise woman once told me "don't beat yourself up over what a terrible job you're doing at everything - just focus on the fact the God has given you the desire to always better yourself - with his help. If there was no desire to do better - then that is a concern" Make sense? At least you don't think you've "arrived"! We will ALL be growing and needing to change - until the day we die!

Laura said...

Thanks for sharing your heart. God is at work even in the midst of discouragement and when things don't turn out the way we have planned.